How to solve conflicts faster
Do “emotional archaeology” and dig deeper
Some people like birdwatching, I like watching tense couples. If you knew what to look for, you would too.
We were five couples in our early 40s, eating at a picnic table while sunkissed children happily bobbed and swam several feet away. The pool — maintained by a scrupulous condo board – looked like aquamarine molten glass glinting in the sun. Pastel floaties strewn to the side. Sparse clusters of trees and tidy off-white apartments surrounded us in an embrace.
The conversation got heated when three of us — a couple and myself — broke off to stand by the pool.
John and Jen had just watched Past Lives, an A24 film exploring the fate, destiny, and life choices of two childhood sweethearts who reunite decades later. Then they’d argued for two hours before calling it a night. Two eager faces asked my opinion.
“Well, I was struck by how well the film explores loneliness and “unknownness”. The man she ended up marrying only knows one version of her. There’s a huge part of her he’ll never, ever know. ” I replied.
John looked at me with welcome surprise and melancholy.
“That’s exactly what I was telling her!”
His wife Jen nodded, not in agreement but in an effort to understand. Her tone of voice started to take on a curious edge.
“So what? If she feels lonely and misunderstood, she should do something about it. I just don’t get it.”
The mood shifted between them, subtly but perceptibly. He looked dispirited, she was frustrated and perhaps beneath that… hurt? I felt tension start to build — the kind that forms when two people are talking but not hearing each other.
I love bearing witness to moments like this.
***
It’s never about “the movie”.
Those two-hour fights with your love are not about “the dishes”. You didn’t get dysregulated by your sibling or manager because “they’re just crazy”.
What’s important glimmers underneath talks about stuff and things and other people. Do “emotional archaeology” to get to the goods:
Layer 1: The story
We’ve all gone blue in the face trying to build a case: why we’re right, listing what the other person failed to understand.
The “topsoil” of Layer 1 is where a lot of time and energy is spent — but that’s not bad.
John and Jen have brains that are always trying to protect them. One of the great paradoxes of life is the brain can register the person you love and who loves you as a threat. The basis of every love story ever.
On the flip side, this means they’re alive, care a lot about each other, and have working brains.
Unfortunately, when you have an intellectual, incisive, well-constructed debate, you tucker yourself out and stay on the surface.
These two met at a mattress store. While testing out the same mattress. The will-they-won’t-they hijinks continued for months — a hysterical meet-cute story worthy of a Netflix contract.
They love each other, they’re just not getting to the real issue — for that they need to dig to Layer 2.
Layer 2: The fear
Under all strong emotions and upsets about seemingly trivial things, there is a fear of:
loss (physical, mental, emotional, societal)
perishing/death (various kinds)
abandonment
having missed something or making the wrong decision
being “a bad person”
repeating the past (e.g. “Oh, no it’s happening again, I did it again”)
rejection
endings (or beginnings!)
None of those are trivial.
These fears are existential and old and upsetting. Few of us were given the tools or skills to move through them.
John and Jen have a delicious life together. They’re scared of whatever the hell is bringing up these feelings about the movie, because it might lead to one of those things.
We tend to stay on Layer 1 (the story) rather than face those monsters.
Since the pandemic, I’ve noticed my every memory slip, forgotten name, dropped text thread. When my mom repeats a story, I am on high alert. Then it came to me: I’ve been compulsive about this since visiting my dwindling grandmother.
My grandma doesn't know who I am. She has late-stage Alzheimer’s. It smashes my heart, but that means it’s wide open.
Regular cleaning makes a home enjoyable and easier to live in. The same goes for your internal space.
If we cultivate curiosity and regularly look at our fears, life is better.
We grow faster. Move lighter and easier. We’re more creative.
Back by the pool, we were learning bees love shrimp cocktail from Costco. Oddly, gourmet cookies from The Mission District, specialty Japanese cakes, and other sweets were spared. John and Jen were stuck on Layer 1, but you don’t have to be.
Body and brain hacks to get past Layer 2
Breathe in for two counts and out for four. Since fear is born of a response in the brain, it makes sense to start with the body. Breathing in this pattern stimulates your parasympathetic nervous system (“rest and digest”) and dampens your sympathetic nervous system (“fight or flight”). Watch your body melt a little bit.
Name the fear. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Identify and give it a name. This separates you from your fear and brings your prefrontal cortex back online. It also further calms the sympathetic nervous system.
Pick a color and find 5-10 examples of it in your surroundings. Do this until you are calm. Describe each colored object in as much detail as you can, then make up a very short story about it (e.g. That is a red umbrella. A red square button on its red handle opens it. It retracts down to six inches. On a rainy day in the city, it stands out in a sea of black umbrellas. It belongs to a man who hates losing things.)
Reassure your fear. Circle back to your fear with compassion. Remember, it’s trying to protect you. Let it know you’re getting to the bottom of things (e.g. “Hey, Fear of Rejection, how are you? You mean so well, but I got this. Going to take the wheel back now. You do you, but from the backseat.”).
Now you’re ready for it.
Layer 3: The truth
If you’ve been following along: here we are! Your pickaxe has hit on something exciting, what it’s really about for you. It takes tenacity to get here.
Once your nervous system is calm and the prefrontal cortex back online, ask yourself:
What core value or need of mine is not getting met? What’s the real problem?
Listen for a few minutes. You’ll hear interesting things. What did you hear?
What to do with your “artifact” now
Archaeologists don’t leave important artifacts they find lying around.
The objects are carefully cleaned, labeled, and studied. They call up historians, linguists, and classicists to figure out how to incorporate the new discovery into existing knowledge.
These are all great ways to treat your self-discovery with the care it deserves:
Journal about it
Write yourself a letter
Call/text a friend you feel safe with and get their feedback
Discuss it with someone on your care team: your therapist, coach, mentor, etc.
Ask: “What does this illuminate about me? What’s important to me?”
Archaeological discoveries have changed the way we understand humankind, helping us make better decisions for society going forward.
Emotional archaeology can help us better understand ourselves and make better choices in our lives.
When we find the real problem underneath the surface, it’s so worth celebrating. Effective actions come from clear understanding.
***
Some of the others glanced over, sensing the disharmonious vibe. I looked at John and Jen, smiling. I love art. It sheds light on the truth. And I fucking LOVE love.
Upon leaving the BBQ, I think about them every two weeks. I hope they were able to stop talking about movie characters and start talking about their own relationship. That they were able to share their fears and needs, even if the words they found were imperfect and came out in a stuttering mess.
May they see how much they care about each other, what is working great, and what they might need in order to keep growing.
